i sat, staring at the settings…  there was the normal interval setting.  the weight loss setting.  the gradual hill setting.  the timed-workout setting.

i scrolled until i saw the cross-country setting.  eh, variety.

ipod? check.

water? check.

i pushed enter, and starting pedaling.

listening to my music, i closed my eyes and set a pace.  as the songs played and shuffled, i could feel the resistance in the pedals shift as well, simulating the rise and fall of geographical landmarks.  small hill here.  slightly larger hill there.  nice, effortless decent down them all.

pedal.  pedal.  pedal.

my mind sang along with the songs.

suddenly, my feet STOPPED.

i ceased mind-singing.

oh. my. word.

i pushed down on the pedals with all my might, barely making it through one rotation.  i opened my eyes.

something is wrong with this machine.

um, yeah.  something like that.  i looked down at the electronic screen at my workout map.

the schematics looked something like this:

what had been nice, innocent, rolling hills had suddenly turned into something… impossible.

what is THAT?  an ALP???

i proceeded to cross switzerland S-L-O-W-L-Y, the previously set pace coming to a screeching halt.

one minute passed.  two minutes… three… (fifty-sevennnnnn…)

my progress across the mountain was painfully slow.  quite literally.  painfully.  slow.

i looked up to see if anyone was watching.

stationary bicycles are so… unassuming.  no one can see the great mountainous heights your body is having to climb.  they just see the person, sitting on that unpadded triangular seat… suffering.  sweating.  pedaling up NOTHING.  looking like a moron.

pedal.  breathe.  pedal.  breathe.

(i suddenly realized that maybe this is what pregnant woman do at hospitals… they watch the machine and literally just concentrate on taking in air until the schematics change.)

pedal.  breathe.  pedal.  breathe.

i was almost to the top when i realized that i was glad this wasn’t real life… that i wasn’t really trying to bike up the matterhorn.  because if a real biker was pedaling the rate i was going, they wouldn’t be inching up anything…

they’d be going backwards.

i closed my eyes again, knowing i was almost… almost… to the top…  i barely opened one eye as the machine pushed me over the summit.

suddenly, the pressure released.  my feet began to fly.  i expelled a puff of air and reset the pre-alpine pace.  finished the cardio.  then did some weights.

so, here it is.  a couple of days later.  i’m about to grab my gym bag from the car and face the line of machines at the fitness center again.

i’m going for the bike today.  however, i am thinking twice about cross-country, unless there’s a setting that i can cross one of my own choosing.

i’m thinking germany would be good.

the hills are nice.

rolling.

and most importantly…

predictable.